Replacing Sessions: A One-Act Play

Our scene opens as the sun sets on Washington DC. As the lights come up on the Oval Office, Trump sits with an aide trying to find a new Attorney General.

TRUMP: “Why not? I want him! He’s tough, he’s a real man!”

AIDE: “Yes, sir, I understand but….”

T: “So, get him in here first thing in the morning!”

A: “As I explained before, sir, Vlad the Impaler is dead and therefore unavailable.

T: “Dead, huh? Maybe he’s not as tough as I thought. OK, how about my #2 choice? Get him in here, first thing in the morning.”

A: “Ah, yessir, you see with #2…..”

T: “I’ve heard good things about him. He’s my choice.:

A: “Yes, but, you see, Klaus Barbie is also dead.”

T: “Goddammit to hell! Why are they all losers! Number 3?”

A: “Well, sir, Kim Jong-un is not technically an American so…..”

T: “Huh. I didn’t know that and I’m a smart guy. #4? He’s an American, for sure.”

A. “Well, sir, technically, The Grinch is fictional so I guess he *could* be an American….”

T: “Shit, fuck, goddam, fuck! Right, I’m going with Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Great guy. Tough guy. Not as tough or great as me, but still tough and great.

A: Are you sir, sir? He’s a terrible human being! You had to pardon him for many violations of human rights? He’s completely unqualified! I’m sure the Republicans in the Senate will balk at confirming him.

They lock eyes and we hold for several beats. Then they both break into uncontrollable laughter.

T: “That’s a good one kid, you are funny. Not as funny as me, of course, but funny.”

A:  “Thank you sir, I’ll have Sheriff Joe here in the morning.”

Scene

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